The guardsman hesitated outside the Inquisitor’s office. It was bad enough that he was the lucky person to report, but he knew the Inquisitor wouldn’t take the news well. I’m getting too old for this, he thought, sighing. He pulled his hand down his face, but stopped to pinch the bridge of his nose. It wouldn’t do well to keep the man waiting, so the guard hardened his resolve and knocked on the thick, wooden door.
“What is it?” Spoke a deep voice.
“I’ve come to report, sir,” the guard called back. There was some form of confirmation, he didn’t really hear what, and he slowly opened the door. If he had never been in the Inquisitor’s office prior to this, he would’ve been shocked. Nevertheless, the man’s taste in décor was unsettling, to say the least.
Shelves stocked with jars of nails and of pickled body parts, rows of fractured bones, and numerous devices that were the cause of the gruesome collection lined the walls. Four skulls sat in each corner of the Inquisitor’s desk, their lifeless eyes testament to the man’s cruelty. The guardsman cringed as he walked past a severed head suspended in what looked like green goo. Its eyes were bulged slightly from the sockets, and its mouth was open to reveal the lack of tongue. He couldn’t even begin to fathom why the Inquisitor insisted on keeping these atrocities. The Inquisitor himself was seated on a solid oak chair with blood red cushions. He was absently turning a skull over in his hands, prodding a nasty-looking gouge in the middle of the forehead. It was no doubt the cause of death for that person.
The Inquisitor didn’t look up. Not even when the guardsman cleared his throat. The subordinate shifted uncomfortably. It was impossible to tell what kind of mood the Inquisitor was in, and that did not bode well. The Inquisitor was famous for his unpredictable temper, and woe to the person unfortunate enough to be caught in its wrath. The guardsman took a deep breath, ready to report the situation, but was stopped before he got the first syllable out.
“Do you know what I abhor?” The man behind the desk was now staring so intently at the gouge in the skull that the guardsman was sure it would catch fire.
“N-No, sir,” the guardsman replied.
The Inquisitor held the skull up with one hand. The muscles in his arm bulged, and his square jaw tightened visibly. He was not an unattractive man by any standard. He was physically fit, almost to perfection; a clean-shaven jaw, with the exception of a small, dark patch on his chin; and had very strong facial features that had most women fawning over him in seconds. His hair was dark, like a raven’s, and was kept short and neat, but the most noticeable feature was his eyes. They were like a predator’s: ever watching, ever searching, and never missing a movement his prey makes. These eyes were now seeing into the past as they continued to burn into the skull.
“I despise guilty men and women that die before they confess to their crimes,” he growled. His hand tightened around the jaw until it finally gave way and was crushed in his iron grip. His nostrils flared with contempt, and he threw the remains of the skull against the wall. “The Guilty should never be freed before their crimes have been paid for.”
“Yes, sir. Understood, sir,” the guardsman said, trying to avoid this man’s temper.
“I doubt you do,” the Inquisitor replied darkly. The man made an effort to calm down, and let out a long sigh. “You have something to report?”
“Yes, sir,” the guardsman saluted. “There has been a recent disturbance in the western dungeon. Reports of guards going missing and loud, explosive crashes in the lowest sector.”
“What?” The Inquisitor roared. He slammed his palms down on the desk and stood up in a fury. His ghostly eyes glowered at the guardsman. “You want to tell me that again?”
“I—Yes, sir. There appears to have been loud explosions and crashes in the lowest sector of the western dungeon. A few guards have gone missing…” The Inquisitor raised an eyebrow, causing the guard to hurry his report. “That is to say, we haven’t been able to find them anywhere in the western dungeon after the crashes. In fact, ahh,” the guardsman fidgeted with the hilt of his sword, unable to look the Inquisitor in the eye, “we can’t exactly get past the first destroyed door, sir.”
“You ‘can’t exactly get past’?”
“Ahh, no, sir. It appears to be blocked.”
“What kind of men cannot get past a blocked door? Imbeciles!” The Inquisitor vaulted over his desk, causing two of the skulls to tumble to the floor, and shoved the guard out of his way with such force that it caused the poor man to crack his head on the wall and crumple to the floor. The Inquisitor did not care. He only prayed to get to the western dungeon before that bitch escaped. He could not let her. “Arianna Vhael,” he hissed. “You will not escape justice.”
In the very beginning, we go from the guard hesitating outside the Inquisitor’s office, directly to him walking past a gruesome decorum. It’s kind of an awkward transition. Wouldn’t such a highly-appointed office have a door? Or is the door open? Or is the room simply open? It would seem to me that, if this Inquisitor outranks the guardsman, then he should have to knock and gain permission to enter (unless his reports are a regular occurrence? either way one would think the Inq. would have an expectation of privacy). Try describing his actual entrance into the room and his state of mind before his reaction to all the lovely jars and things (which is a nice display of character, btw).
I still think the “set fire” line can be improved technically, but you already know my feelings on that.
The description of the Inq. is good; but I do have a nitpick or two. You don’t really describe his hair at all, unless when you say, “clean-shaven,” you mean on top of his head, as well. If that’s the case then the wording is a little unclear. If that’s not the case, then you should probably describe in here, somewhere before you talk about his eyes. Also, I know the reader isn’t stupid, but “dark patch” of what? Dark patch of skin? Fuzz? Hair? I think you can be more descriptive there.
And speaking of his eyes, I like the description of them; I would suggest one thing to improve it, though it’s really more a stylistic thing: if the impression is that he’s going to set fire to the skull by staring so intently, why not consider saying, “These eyes were now seeing the past as they continued to burn into the skull,” instead of simply, “stare at”? It’s got a little more flair, I think, and it ties the statement in well with the original “set fire” line.
The rest is pretty good. Though, does he vault over his desk without knocking anything over? Is he that nimble? He seems to be a big man, from your description (especially when he can crush a human jaw with one hand like it was nothing), and it’s hard to picture such a big man leaping like a gazelle, no matter how fit.
Um, in the second sentence of that last paragraph I would change, “ground,” to, “floor”. After all, they are inside; unless the floor is dirt. Which I can’t see being the case.
Anyway, sorry to be so picky, but I think this has potential. That means I’m probably going to want to wring everything I can from it.
Keep going, babe.
I saw ‘Do you know what I cannot abide?’ and immediately thought… The Dude abides.
Helpful, no? Keep going with it.
Edited and added a bit more content.
It’s better. Got a few more suggestions, though.
“He pulled his hand down his face, but stopped to pinch the bridge of his nose.”
I can picture what he’s doing, but it still seems awkwardly-worded. I mean, if you stop to pinch the bridge of your nose, then your hand didn’t really get pulled down along your face much at all — it only made it down your forehead. Also, while I understand the gesture, it’s not commonly said, so you might want to expand on why he’s pinching the bridge of his nose. “…stopped to pinch the bridge of his nose against the headache he felt coming on,” maybe? Heh, I think that might draw an ironic parallel against the headache he receives at the end of this segment. And if you feel you have to keep the hand pulling down his face, maybe change it to wiping the sweat from his brow, just so that it makes a little more sense.
“…and numerous devices that were the cause of the gruesome collection lined the walls.”
I really want to harass you about this one, seeing as those devices didn’t really cause his atrocious actions, they were just the means by which he committed them, but I can’t think of any better way to word it at this point.
The next sentence I will bug you about, though. Skulls don’t have eyes, they have sockets. I think “lifeless sockets” sounds better, especially considering that you use the word “eyes” two sentences later to describe something that actually does have them.
“…woe to the person unfortunate enough to be caught in its wrath.”
I know that by the word, “wrath”, you’re referencing his temper, but ‘wrath’ is just a synonym for temper, and I think it should be “his wrath” and not “its wrath”. The temper doesn’t have wrath, the Inquisitor does.
“The man behind the desk was now staring so intently at the gouge in the skull that the guardsman was sure it would catch fire.”
You sneaky little bugger. You did change it. Ha ha, I love you. Either way, this struck me as odd while rereading it. The way it’s worded, it sounds like he might set the gouge on fire? Being an absence of material (in this case, bone), one might wonder how it could be set on fire. Maybe instead of saying he’s staring at the gouge, specifically, say that he’s “staring so intently at the gouged skull that the guardsman was sure it would catch fire.” That way, you still emphasize the gouge, but the skull is undeniably the subject potentially catching fire.
“His hair was dark, like a raven’s, and was kept short and neat, but the most noticeable feature was his eyes.”
Glad you’re describing his hair. Few nitpicks. Between “neat” and “but” I think there should be a semi-colon. There’s a distinct separation of ideas, there. You move on to an entirely new subject. Also, it shouldn’t be, “…the most noticeable feature,” but rather, “…his most noticeable feature”. This is for the same reason you say “who” in reference to a person instead of “that”.
The rest seems pretty good.
I only destroy because I <3. ^^;
I have one thing to say about the semi-colon. You can’t use it if the ideas are not related or similar. So no semi-colon. My grammar is correct, there, buttface. I suppose I *could* make them separate sentences…
And you are ruthless. >:(
Fine, you got me on the semi-colon. But yes, I think it might do well as a separate sentence.
And I told you, I only destroy because I <3.
Oi! Nice story. I have some issues of my own, but since scuba is already helping you out, it’s all good.
The Inquisitor sounds like my kind of man.
Actually, how come he’s called “The Inquisitor”? Is he the only one there?
I’m just waiting for more. Hit the keyboard!!
Well, I don’t think I’m up to these profound statements, but, being a kid with a bit of a flare for writing (runs in the family, Dad’s a small-time poet, bro’s a journalist) I’ve been working on a few stories myself. If I ever get one finished or decide to take the plunge and write a short story (my usual fashion is to write the beginning to a novel and then ditch it) I’ll post it to you and await your verdict (if you can be bothered with the written ramblings of a half-assed teenager, that is). I enjoyed The Inquisitor, but in my eyes it could have scanned a little better.
Wow! The constructive criticism was longer than the story! I’d like to say that my favorite part was the hand getting pulled down the face and the pinching of the bridge of the nose. It doesn’t matter to me that It didn’t sound perfect, because for a long moment, I was the guard, standing there, pinching the oily bridge of my nose.
Great description of the Inquisitor. He wouldn’t be as powerful if he was ugly, would he?
And Why aren’t you writing again? I think it’s because you lack an audience. Well, now you’ve got one; no excuses.
PS- I HEART SEMI-COLON.